Why Do Kids Do That? Understanding the Functions of Behavior
Do you ever find yourself wondering why your child does certain things—especially the things that leave you frustrated or exhausted?
Why did they refuse to put their shoes on? Why did they throw their toy across the room? Why did they hit their sibling? Why are they ignoring you?
As parents, we often expect our kids to follow directions just because we said so. Understanding why a behaviour happens can help us respond in a way that actually works.
The Four Functions of Behaviour
From a behavioral perspective, all behaviours typically happen for one of four reasons:
- To Get Attention – Your child wants interaction. This could be a hug from a parent, laughter from a sibling, or even a scolding (yes, even negative attention is still attention!).
- To Get Something (Tangible) – They want an item, activity, or experience, like a favorite snack, a toy, or extra screen time.
- To Escape or Avoid Something – They’re trying to get out of an unpleasant situation, like eating broccoli, doing homework, or cleaning up.
- Because It Feels Good (Automatic Reinforcement) – Some behaviors are naturally reinforcing, like sucking a thumb, rocking back and forth, or spinning in circles because it feels fun.
What You Can Do
Once you understand why a behavior is happening, you can respond in a way that helps teach your child better ways to meet their needs. Here’s how:
Step 1: Acknowledge Their Feelings or Wants
Instead of jumping straight to “No!” or “Stop that!”, first show your child you understand them.
- “You really wanted my attention while I was on the phone.”
- “You’re frustrated because your block tower fell.”
- “You don’t feel like cleaning up right now.”
Step 2: Teach a More Appropriate Behavior
Give your child a better way to express their needs.
- Instead of yelling, “Look at me!” → Teach them to say, “Excuse me” or tap your arm.
- Instead of grabbing a toy → Teach them to ask, “Can I have a turn?”
- Instead of whining for a snack → Teach them to say, “I’m hungry.”
Step 3: Offer Choices
If what they want isn’t available, give them a choice of what is available. This helps them feel in control while still holding boundaries.
- “We’re not having cookies right now, but you can have apples or crackers.”
- “You don’t have to clean up everything at once—do you want to put away the cars or the books first?”
Step 4: Hold Your Boundary
Sometimes, the answer is still no, and that’s okay. Stay calm and consistent.
- “I know you really want more TV, but we’re done for today.”
- “You’re upset about leaving the park, but it’s time to go. We’ll come back another day.”
The Takeaway
Kids aren’t giving you a hard time; they’re having a hard time. When you start looking at why a behavior is happening, it becomes much easier to respond in a way that teaches and supports them—while keeping your sanity intact.
By acknowledging their needs, teaching them new skills, and setting clear boundaries, you’ll help your child learn better ways to communicate and navigate the world. And that makes life easier for everyone!